- Last Activity:
- Apr 16, 2019
- Aug 9, 2013
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
Think it's in there?
All right. Let's get it!
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)
THE NEXT DAY
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Get up! Come on!
(crying) This cage is too small.
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
Next! What have you got?
This little wooden puppet.
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.
Next! What have you got?
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Donkey just looks up at her.
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.
Get her out of my sight.
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
Hey! I can fly!
He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
He can talk!
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud.
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.
You there. Ogre!
And what do you know about true love?
Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
in love with the princess! Oh, good
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
whole congregation laughs.
An ogre and a princess!
Shrek, is this true?
Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
my love, we're but a kiss away from
our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
(puckers his lips and leans toward her,
but she pulls back.)
(looking at the setting sun) "By night
one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
I wanted to show you before.
She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
I order you to get that out of my sight
now! Get them! Get them both!
The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
marriage is binding, and that makes
me king! See? See?
No, let go of me! Shrek!
Don't just stand there, you morons.
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
I'll make you regret the day we met.
I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
beg for death to save you!
(hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
as for you, my wife...
I'll have you locked back in that tower
for the rest of your days! I'm king!
Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
I will have order! I will have perfection!
I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
show up and the dragon leans down and
eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
(The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
and falls to the ground.
Celebrity marriages. They never last,
The congregation cheers.
Go ahead, Shrek.
I - - I love you.
(smiles) I love you too.
Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
"Until you find true love's first kiss
and then take love's true form. Take
love's true form. Take love's true form."
Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
(going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
you all right?
(standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,
yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
to be beautiful.
But you ARE beautiful.
They smile at each other.
(chuckles) I was hoping this would be
a happy ending.
Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...
...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
singing the song.
God bless us, every one.
(as he's done singing and we fade to
black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
breathe. I can't breathe.