A passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
One guy walked down to a Lada dealership down his street and bought one of the cars. A few hours later, he pushed the car in and said: - I want a refund! The dealer asked him: - Why? The man replied: - It only goes up to 97. The dealer said: - This is very good, the official data claims a top speed of 95 MPH. The man clarified: - No, this isn't what I mean. I live at 133, and this bloody car only goes up to 97!
A man came into a parts store and said "I want a fan belt for a Daewoo Lanos." The cashier thought about it for a minute, and replied "You know, that's a fair deal.".
A man was washing the car with his son, after a while the son said "do you think we could use a sponge now"
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest tells the other two: - Some people keep telling jokes about us. The minister replies: - Don't worry, they're all idiots.
Three businessmen were locked in a jail cell. The first one says: - I sold for less than my competitors, so they locked me up for dumping. The second one says: - I sold for more than my competitors, so they locked me up for price gouging. The third one says: - I sold for just as much as my competitors, so they locked me up for collusion.
Have you guys heard that joke about the airplane? Ah, never mind, it would probably go over your heads.
Last week I used Red Bull instead of water to make coffee and set out on my commute to work. Ten miles down the freeway, I realized that I forgot my car.
There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears. This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
Did you know that 93% of people will believe anything you tell them, as long as you start by saying "Did you know..."?
NEW SUPERMARKET A new Public supermarket opened. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
