Wrote this as an article on my website, thought Id post it here. Classic Car Fart You will generally only get these in the UK, as every old car in America is either a dragster, upside down in a ditch, or a chicken coop. But these men are usually found looking in the engine of an old Austin, talking about carburetors. Look out for brown corduroys, white hair and bored wives in the passenger seat of the trusty classics. They make a distinctive sound, it goes something like “oh no my inlet valve has broken/is upside down/is gone”. I know all this because my dad is one. MuscleMan Go faster stripes make your car go faster. As do things on the side stating how stupidly big your naturally aspirated V8 is. These people have tattoos and are partial to a crowd or two. They are never far from their Mustang, and, although their cry is distinctive it can’t be heard over the Camaro idling behind them. Playboy When was the last time you saw a green Lamborghini? In London? Driven by a 17 year old in strange sunglasses? This person, in an outlandish outfit made by brands which are man’s names, is a playboy. He has a Ferrari LaFerrari, he has a Hurracan (green), he has a Range Rover SVAutobiography and a Rolls Royce Wraith. All very brilliant cars, but he doesn’t appreciate them, and/or can’t tell them apart. His dad paid for them, plus his expensive cologne and quality leather belt. Unfortunately, these cars are all automatic and he doesn’t know a thing about driving. Easily identified in a group with their “rides” in a parking lot in Dubai. Usually heard to say “What’s an engine?” American Classic Dealer This man lives in a tiny house in the back of his showroom. He has his own TV show, called Fast Roar Car Turbo Loud Speed USA. In this TV show, he buys 50s American basket cases and employs men with big beards and names with 3 letters in them to fix them up and make them into “gassers” and sell them at auctions. He makes a marginal profit each time, which he uses to buy another V8 car. Usually seen wearing Wrangler jeans and a Winnfield ‘tache. JDM, yo This person likes to sport skinny jeans. He makes memes about his cars. Any car he can get his hands on, even if it isn’t strictly Japanese, and he can fit Toyota’s brilliant 2JZ in it, it goes. Usually stand about in groups of up to six, admiring the size of each others mufflers. These people’s call can be easily identified as they use the words Touge and DOHC far too much, and like to make fun of VTEC, even though it’s actually quite good (don’t shoot me.) BusinessMan When this man can get away from his kids, he drives his Porsche, and when he can get away from his Porsche he drives his Aston Martin. I walk past the poshest bits of the place where I live every morning. One of the houses, in the expansive gravel driveway, has a Porsche Cayenne Turbo, a Porsche Macan S, a Porsche Panemera Turbo and a Porsche 911 Turbo S. And a Golf 6. That’s a lot of car. The person who owns this house and this garage is almost certainly a businessmen, who enjoys his gearstick and his turbocharger on weekend B-roads. His wife drives the SUVs. Identified by white hair and an expensive suit. Ricer I was standing on the edge of a road watching modified cars leave a car show. One car particularly caught my attention. It was a 2002-spec Octavia diesel, with pink wheels and one of those silly bug catchers on the hood. When he moved off, he released a cloud of smoke and his exhaust kicked in. Almost immediately, he sounded like an Impreza 22B and roared away. He obviously hadn’t modified his car at all, apart from pink wheels and a muffler. This RICEr (Race Inspired Cosmetic Enhancements, see) is not alone in his fakeness. Many others across the country do the same thing to whatever car they happen to have when the need strikes them. You can see them with backwards caps, and their call sounds like “my car can rev up to 40,000”. The Redneck The rednecks are an odd species. When they leave shows, they like to do burnouts in their trucks, which is a bit of an ox-see-moron as to burnout you need RWD, which isn’t good for offroading. Huh? Rednecks are usually seen in the backs of their Toyota Tundras, or their Silverados or their Rams or their Jeeps, stroking a Trump cushion. They like to make huge jumps and break their trucks on them. Usually heard on youtube and You’ve Been Framed, saying “oh hey this jump looks huuuuuge let’s try it man oh wait too fast too fast oh no bleeeeeeep argh bleeeping bleep wait your cars broken bwahahahahahahah bleeeeep hahahahaha bleeeeep hahaha.” The Fast Driver No matter what car they are put in, these people drive very fast. The car of choice for this goatee’d breed is usually the BMW 1-series, but they can push even the slowest Peugeots up to 70 on the tightest of roads. Terrifying to accompany on a road trip, but you will never hear or see them because as soon as you’ve registered them they’ll be in a different time zone.
I'd like to add to some American Classic dealer: lives in middle of nowhere, Nevada, USA, often sweaty wearing wife beaters The redneck: found in southern US of A, seen sporting typical American flag ball caps, and enough denim to supply the 80s for another generation Ricer: seen commonly on the side of highways, the very exterior of a drag race, and usually sporting the most exotic and ridiculous flavour of (sometimes home made) vape juices JDM yo: tends to stand up and join in conversations concerning F&F Tokyo Drift, they can usually have semi scraggly hair and at least one in their pack (often the alpha drifter) sports expensive looking sun glasses Buissnessman: wife can be up to half their age, usually a blonde replaced every 10 or so years
