Creative descriptions of BeamNG brands.

Looking at GTA's stock market company descriptions, I decided to make similarly snarky descriptions of Beam brands after having done individual cars.

Autobello:
"Italian carmaker trying everything it can to gain world domination, from trying to fill every sector of every market on the planet, to fancy technologies with a questionable reliability record, to planned obsolescence, to outright lies. Quite a long way from their old, simple cars".

Bruckell:
"A rather stately brand that somehow sold some of the most potent muscle cars around, and still sells some sporty trims and wagons. Would have been killed if not for being strangely appealing to Chinese yuppies."

Burnside:
"Middle of the middle of the road. Not particularily sporty nor luxurious nor cheap nor reliable nor safe, it just was there until it wasn't. Nobody even wants it back much anymore."

Charmand:
"French people's cars. Pretty much stuck focused on the European market and unable to make money there, due to low pricing that matches the quality, or lack thereof. Cyclically announcing a return to the US market, cyclically withdrawing the promise."

Civetta:
"Expensive to buy, expensive to run, mainly bought for the prestige value. Still, every gearhead ages 3 to 103 wants one, and deep down you know you also want one. Those who can't afford their cars can buy watches, polo shirts or even pencils.".

ETK:
"Long known for well-engineered, sporty and reliable cars, now trying to find out how much gadgetry you can shove into a single car (with varying reliability results). Luxury that trickles down to cheap lease specials, taxi drivers and Eastern European hoodlums."

Gavril:
"Once a global industrial behemoth, now kept relevant by pickups and bailouts. Tried to reinvent itself in the style of German luxury carmakers, ended up not offering passenger cars in America and selling off its German division".

Hirochi:
"Known by JDM fans as the makers of the Prasu, SBR4 and Sunburst Sport RS, and by everyone else as "the dealer you go to if Ibishu doesn't give credit approval". Questionable design, unquestionably bad durability".

Ibishu:
"The company that challenged all countries' carmakers during the Cold War and propelled itself to global #1. Especially popular in places where a breakdown marks the difference between coming for dinner and being dinner. Spent the 80s making cutting-edge cars, then realized nobody with money for a new car cares.".

Jargl:
"The brand that keeps gearheads focused on itself, despite advertising and designs meant to scare away everyone daring to go above the limit. Featuring hit-and-miss reliability and a devoted customer base making very good use of all their safety features".

Soliad:
"The originally-middle-class American brand that later tried to present itself as sporty, mainly by outfitting ordinary family sedans and coupes with lots of gaudy plastic trim, until the buying public had enough. Lives on in keyboard warriors' calls for reintroduction and below-middle-class driveways".

 

Randolph:
"We make trailers you idiot, or was it mudflaps?"

 

If we're going into not-cars, we might as well go into tuner parts, or even non-automotive companies (e.g. Beamcom).

 

It said brands. There's a brand.

 

Might do it later in an edit. For now, we'll stay with cars.

Trouble is, cars have far higher satirical potential than tires, trailers or cable TV for me.