As the original joke thread is dead, I decided to make another one. Rules: - No racist, sexist, or otherwise offensive jokes. - No grossout humour. - No swearing, apart from swearing being an essential part of the build-up or punchline. - No low-effort, "random" humour. OK, so here's the first joke: A guy has to park his luxury car in a shady neighbourhood. Knowing the theft risk, he puts up a windshield note saying "NO MOTOR, NO TRANNY, NO GAS!". When he comes back, he finds out that his car is gone. The only thing left is a note saying "Thanks for information, we'll take care of those things ourselves.".
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. As I've said before, I will not repeat myself! "Stressed" spelled backwards spells "desserts". Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Then: Long hair Now: Longing for hair Clones are people two. Some people here are proof that evolution can work in reverse. I put the fun in dysfunction. Why do we back cookies and cook bacon? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. Not afraid of heights, afread of widths. I don't get even, I get odder. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. I got bit by a Dodge. If you sangle a Smurf, what color does it turn? I hate people who steal my ideas before I have them. Adults are just kids who owe money. I bet you 20 bucks I bet gambling years ago. Do not disturb, already disturbed. I know you are nobody's fool, you're everybody's. Most of us live and learn. You just learn. I like your approach, now show me your departure. Honk if you like peace and quiet! On the other hand, you have different fingers. Dear IRS, please cancel my subscription. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. A door is open & it’s ajar. When a jar is open is it adoor? Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand. Why is minuscule a bigger word than huge? Cupid is stupid. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Never moon a werewolf. Frog parking ←→ All others toad When you’re right no one remembers, when you’re wrong no one forgets If the #2 pencil is the best, why is it still #2? Why does fat chance = slim chance? Why are there 5 syllables in monosyllabic? The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Careful playing Scrabble, you could lose an I. I’m not old, I’m experienced. What’s the speed of dark? Come to the dork side. I can predict yesterday’s scores. Please don’t sue me when I blow your mind. Cows are mooooody. UFOs are real. Bigfoot told me so. Do computers cough when they get a virus? 3 Kinds of Lies - Lies - Damned Lies - Statistics Free advise is worth what you paid for it. You can’t be late until you show up! A line is a dot that went for a walk. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. Customer service: Putting people on hold since 1959. I’m smiling. That alone should scare you.
A medicine exam is taking place. Each student has to put his hand in a box, grab an organ inside it, tell what organ it is, and then pull it out to check. The first student comes, puts his hand in, and says: - Brain. He pulls it out, and indeed, it's a brain. The second student comes, puts his hand in, and says: - Liver. He pulls it out, but unfortunately, it's a lung. The third student puts his hand in and says: - Erm... a chocolate chip cookie? The professor asks him: - Are you joking? Chocolate chip cookies in here? The student pulls it out, and it's indeed a chocolate chip cookie. After that, the professor asks his assistant: - Steve, what were we snacking on while high?
There is a bench with a note on it. One man sits on the bench, reads the note and stands up, exclaiming: - Oh cock! Another man sits on the bench, reads the note and stands up, exclaiming: - Oh cock! Yet another man sits on the bench, reads the note and stands up, exclaiming: - Oh cock! What was the note saying? Spoiler: Answer "FRESH PAINT"
A man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage. 'It's no good mate, the car's no good for me,' says the man to the car dealer. 'Why not?' asks the car dealer. 'Do you see that steep hill over there?' says the man, pointing. 'Well it will only get up to 75 up there'. 'That's not bad really sir, especially for a Lada. I can't see a problem with that'. 'Trouble is,' said the man, 'I live at 95'
Students in a chemistry class are performing an experiment. Suddenly, the chemicals start wildly bubbling. The teacher says: - Kids, this is a classic example of the link between scatology and cooling - shit's about to hit the fan.
*bump* What is a Finnish veteran that fought in the Winter War and Michael Bay's favorite drink when they walk into a bar? A monotov cocktail
A man comes to a priest with a little cat and asks: - Can you baptise the cat? The priest replies: - No, it's an animal with no soul. The man asks: - What if I paid $10,000? - No. - $20,000? - No. - $50,000? - Well, I don't think so... Finally, the man proposes paying $100,000, and the priest agrees. Next Sunday, the cat gets its baptism. After that, the priest phones the bishop and says: - Your Excellence, I've baptized a cat. The bishop replies: - What have you done?! It's an animal! It has no soul! You've profanated the act of baptism! The priest tells him: - Well, the man who brought the cat gave me $100,000, and I'm willing to share... The bishop thinks for a short while, and then says: - You need to prepare the cat for the First Communion and Confirmation!
What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside
An area man is sitting by a lake. A tourist walking by asks him: - What are you doing? - Fishing. - But you have no equipment! - I'm mirror fishing. Buy me a beer and I'll explain. The tourist is genuinely curious, so he buys the local a beer. The "fisherman" tells him: - You gotta point the mirror at the lake. Then a fish comes, starts staring at the mirror, and boom, it's yours! The tourist then asks: - How many fish have you caught? The man tells him: - None, but I get five beers a day...
