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Jokes and Puns

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic' started by WentwardB60, Nov 21, 2018.

  1. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    John Lennon: "Imagine there's no heaven".

    God: "Imagine there's no John Lennon".
     
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  2. Ytrewq

    Ytrewq
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    Mom: "Eat your food or I'll call the policeman!"
    Kid: "You think the policeman wants it?"
     
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  3. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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  4. Ytrewq

    Ytrewq
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    Middle of the night. A couple is woken up from their sleep by the doorbell ringing. The husband goes to the door, opens it and finds a man outside, who says, "I'm sorry, but I really need a push". The homeowner replies, "Sorry, I want to sleep", and goes back to the bed. Upon finding out what the stranger asked for, the wife becomes angry, saying: "How could you do that? Remember when our car broke down deep in the countryside and some guy helped us push it to the closest garage during pouring rain? You must go and help that poor dude!". The man goes back to the door, but finds nobody there, so he yells into the darkness: "Hey, dude, I'll give you a push! Where are you?". A happy voice answers: "Over here at the playground, sitting on the swing!".
     
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  5. ZoZo:)

    ZoZo:)
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    GoOd TReAd MaNE!
     
  6. Alex_Farmer557

    Alex_Farmer557
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    not a joke
     
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  7. ZoZo:)

    ZoZo:)
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    OkEy
     
  8. Ytrewq

    Ytrewq
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    A kid is buying a toy car and gives the cashier a hand-drawn bill. The cashier says, "Boy, that's not a real bill!". The boy replies, "But that's not a real car!"
     
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  9. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    A trucker calls his boss and asks:
    -I just ran a pig over, what now?

    The boss asks him:
    - Dead?
    - Dead.
    - Truck's OK?
    - OK.
    - So bury it and drive away.

    Then the trucker disconnects, and later calls again. The boss asks him:
    - You buried it?
    - Yes, but I don't know what to do with the cop car.
     
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  10. hugotronix04

    hugotronix04
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    A man walks into the doctor's office, waiting for his diagnosis.

    -Doctor, is the diagnosis ready? I'm dying from curiosity!

    The doctor replies:

    -Not only from curiosity, Gerald...
     
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  11. Raceboy77

    Raceboy77
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    If i take a vacuum and clean it. Does that make me a vacuum cleaner :cool:
     
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  12. SquarebodyChevy

    SquarebodyChevy
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    A man picks up a hitchhiker. After a few minutes the hitchhiker says “I’m surprised you picked me up, how do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
    The man replies “the chances of two serial killers in this car is astronomical.”
     
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  13. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    What is the most memetic band?

    Small Faces.
     
  14. G-Farce

    G-Farce
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    What's funny about the cop car?
     
  15. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    "Pig" is a slang term for a police officer.
     
  16. G-Farce

    G-Farce
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    well I cant believe that flew over my head. Took me way too long to get that
     
  17. SquarebodyChevy

    SquarebodyChevy
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    An old man was driving home from work when his phone rang. It was his wife, “Herman, I just heard on the news there’s a car going the wrong way on highway 401. Please be careful!”

    “Doris,” he said, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
     
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  18. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    Why does Bob Seger laugh when he's playing chess?




    Well, ain't it funny how the knight moves?
     
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  19. CaptainZoll

    CaptainZoll
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    why did the bicycle fall over?

    because it was too tired.
     
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  20. urbanestdog45

    urbanestdog45
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    sometimes, it's hard to get to downtown Toronto

    why do you ask?, well it's 404, highway not found
     
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